What To Do When You Disagree

I was stumbling yesterday, you know, using stumble upon (it's a pretty fun tool. If you use it, make sure to recommend this blog!), and I ran into Dale Carnegie's summary of his classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People. If the title raises your inner cynic, quash it down. It's really a good book.

The Steps

Brett, Emmet, and I have been have a little argument via email over Seth's post about community vs. institution (see Seth's blog here, see Emmet's post here). Last night, Brett and I talked well past my bedtime about the issue. I had read Mr. Carnegie's summary just a little before, and I tried to use some of his techniques.

Let me display them here:

How to win people to your way of thinking:

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

I like Carnegie--Seth Godin reminds me a little of him--because he puts people before ideology. He says the relationship is more important than being perceived as "right." The book Change or Die says basically the same thing, the first step to changing someone's mind is changing their heart through relationship.

It's a humbling way to go about conflicting ideas, but it's good for everyone.

How to Provide Opportunity for Forgiveness

I remember approaching a pastor whom I greatly admired after he gave a sermon, a sermon I disagreed with. I told him my home church saw it differently. So he spent a few minutes talking about why me and my church were wrong.

I was hurt, confused, and angry with everyone. Just 17, I felt like I had been put in the middle of an argument by two feuding parents. I went back to my home church pastor and told him what the other pastor had said. My pastor dismissed his rationale, but didn't get into the argument. This didn't really help. I needed answers, and I needed guidance from someone I trusted.

Finally, I ended up telling a college professor who was giving a sunday school class. Even though he was a stranger, he listened, gave a few comments, and smiled. I don't remember what he said, but I went away feeling like both sides of the argument had been disarmed. The disagreement was no longer a threat to my relationship between either of the pastors important to me.

Somewhere in the middle of talking to the professor, forgiveness had happened.

The Challenge

I want to make a challenge to One in Christ, and to all Christians. Let's try on Mr. Carnegie's 12 steps for differences of opinion. Let's see if it does what he says, if it wins to our way of thinking. Foremost though, let's use it amongst us OICers as we delve into divisive issues. Our relationships are important.